A Letter Received

Received on 11:57

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m selfish and expect too much. I’m sorry for the way I approach things or how I expect you to consider me in your actions and decisions. I’m sorry for putting that pressure on you. You’re right that I think about myself enough that no one else should have to and that you are a grown man who doesn’t have to justify his actions to others. I’m sorry I upset you so much. I love you and am more than happy with you - you truly do bring out a happiness in me that I’ve never known. But it's obvious you don’t want to be in a relationship or have to worry about anyone other than you and the boys and I completely understand that. I'm sorry I made you feel like you did. I miss you - the insights I used to get from you about the inner workings of your mind, how you felt, what you believe. The fact that even though you had to work all night, you’d come and lay beside me until I fell asleep just so I knew you were there. I love you and you are more than anything I could have ever hoped or prayed to have in my life.

You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and have shown me how much I can truly care for someone - but I'm holding you back and I know it. You’ve said plenty of times you'd rather be single than in a relationship with me and more then enough times that you’d rather be done with us than fix an issue. I'd go to the ends of the Earth for you or do anything you would/could ask me to. Hell, I'd put my own life on the line for you.

I'm not dating you just to “date" you. I'm in a relationship with you because I see so much more in you. I see someone that I’d love to be the father of my child/children (if I can have them - lord knows we’ve been pretty damn lucky in not having that happen so far), someone that I can depend and rely on, someone that I can see myself growing old with, sharing stories and jokes, hopes and dreams with. Sharing a true and passionate love with. I see someone whom I fall in love with all over again day after day because they're not only handsomely beautiful on the outside, but a beautiful person inside as well.

You're intelligence, wit, humor, caring, kindness, passion, compassion, loyalty, drive, sense of who you are, confidence, self-esteem, beliefs, morals and values are all things that I admire about you. Your honesty and bluntness, although a bit harsh at times, are part of what makes you so amazing. It's become clear to me over the past few days/weeks that I don't deserve to share those things with you. I don't expect to have you lay next me to as I fall asleep or rub my back while I doze off because I'm not feeling well. You have your own life, worries, expectations and it's become clear that I don't live up to fitting into those aspects of your world. Although I'm not sure if it's because I'm not good enough to or if it's because you don't want me to be part of your life in those ways. I can't make you think/consider/care about me. I know you do and I truly believe you love me - I'm just not sure you're in love with me the way that I'm in love with you. I don't see other people when I look at you. You truly are all I see in a room filled with people - I'm drawn to you and I don't know why..
I can't explain how safe I feel when you hug me or how comforted the smell of you and your cologne make me feel. Or how every time I see you my heart skips a beat and my stomach does flip flops because of the butterflies you give me. Words truly cannot explain how in love with you I am.

Because I love you I'm giving you an out - if you truly do not want to be in a relationship and want to be single I’ll understand but I just ask that you give me some type of closure if that's what you decide. I don't want to make you feel as if you have to be with me because of how much I care for you and I can't expect you to consider me in all you do. I’ll try to understand - it might break my heart - but for you I'll try. I'd do anything for you. You told me once that you could see yourself having kids with me - but the biggest thing you ever said to me - which is part of why I've never doubted you and have always chose to believe you and is part of the reason I'm so stubborn about not giving up on us - is that you loved me and when you looked at me you saw someone that you truly though you could consider marrying. Knowing your views on marriage, hearing you say that to me (back months ago - I'm sure you've changed your mind) truly meant something to me. It was then that I chose to give you 100% of myself and to never keep anything from you but to try and show you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I let you down and disappointed you in all the ways that I have. Just know you're the only one I want to be with for now and forever. I love you with all of my heart and soul - all that I have to give. I'm sorry if I'm caused you to not feel that way anymore and if I have I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. You really are the most beautiful person, inside and out that I have ever met in my life. I can only hope that you still love me and want to be with me.

I love you and just want to spend the rest of our lives dancing together.